Lately I’ve been feeling both new and old. I’m feeling a new energy and joi de vivre that has been missing for some time, but I also feel like I’m returning to the person I felt I lost a number of years ago.
I’ve had my days when getting out of bed was my greatest accomplishment and looking in a mirror only revealed to me that the Roshaunda I know and love had somehow gotten trapped in this imposter’s body and was struggling to get free. Actually, I’ve had way too many days like that.
I was stuck in the mire of my daily grind. Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing to complain about. I have all of the features of a life well-lived. I have a relationship with God, a loving husband, wonderful children, gainful employment, a support network of family and friends, avocational activities, and all of my needs are met. I’m not hungry; I’m not naked; I’m not homeless. I have high-speed internet access. My life is blessed beyond measure, and I’m grateful; nevertheless, I was stuck.
I was unhappy and unhealthy. I didn’t find joy in the things I used to; I was sedentary; I made unhealthy food choices. In short, to maintain my health and my positive lifestyle, I needed to make some changes. And I needed to make them while I still was in the frame of mind that I felt like I had choices and control over my life. I felt hopelessness creeping in, and I felt a downward spiral tugging at me. I didn’t feel like I had much time to stop the seemingly inevitable tide that would pull me out to depths I couldn’t navigate.
Yet in the midst of this morass, I had my days (or sometimes only my minutes or my hours) of clarity, of energy, of hope. I know these moments were gifts from God, and it was in those moments that He directed me toward some positive life changes.
I’m embarking on a career change, and that newness and excitement has me feeling new, which is more like my old self. I’m feeling better about life and about myself, and I wanted to celebrate my new outlook. Instead of celebrating with a decadent food item that would counteract my burgeoning return to wellness, I decided on something that would affirm the changes I’ve been making.
So I bought myself a new red dress. When I looked in the mirror, Johnny Gill began playing in my mind — “Put on your red dress and slip on your high heels.” I figured Johnny Gill couldn’t be all wrong, so I put on some moderate heels, a Billie Holiday side bun and flower, and carried a snazzy clutch
Wearing a dress that accentuates my assets and diminishes my negatives reminded me that I must and can do the same in my life.