Rule #1. The guinea pig does not like you.
Rule #2. The guinea pig likes food.
Rule #3. You exist to serve the guinea pig, particularly as it relates to Rule #2.
Rule #4. The guinea pig will talk to you and accept your petting, but keep in mind the previous rules, because all of his attention is a ruse to enact Rules #2 and #3.
Rule #5. Always remember Rule #1.
But he’s just so cute!
