Rule #1.  The guinea pig does not like you.

Rule #2.  The guinea pig likes food.

Rule #3.  You exist to serve the guinea pig, particularly as it relates to Rule #2.

Rule #4.  The guinea pig will talk to you and accept your petting, but keep in mind the previous rules, because all of his attention is a ruse to enact Rules #2 and #3.

Rule #5.  Always remember Rule #1.

But he’s just so cute!