If my guinea pig had an online dating profile (and perhaps he does – I don’t know what he does all day long while we’re not at home), I imagine it would read something like the following.

Hi.  I’m Elvis.  I like hiding in my cave, basking by space heaters, and eating green leaf lettuce.  No. Seriously.  Green leaf lettuce is my favorite.  And unless you come bearing green leaf lettuce, don’t even bother.  Show me the lettuce.  Green leaf, that is.